The Hidden Trauma that Might Be Ruining Your Life.
When most people hear the word trauma, they think of major, life-altering events—war, abuse, accidents, or catastrophic loss. These are the “big T” traumas, the ones we universally recognize as deeply painful and disruptive. But what if I told you that trauma doesn’t have to be big to have a lasting impact?
There’s another form of trauma that’s often overlooked because it doesn’t come from a single event but rather from small, repeated experiences over time. It’s called little “t” trauma, and one of the most common forms is chronic disconnection from others—those repeated moments where we needed emotional connection but didn’t receive it. Our nervous systems get shaped when we are young, before we are eight years old. This is what I like to call our nervous system blueprint. Our blueprint is shaped by the world we live in, by our caregivers and those that are closest to us. This information is not to cast blame, because I have learned through all of my training, that it is nearly impossible to raise a child without somehow causing trauma.
So, how can little t traumas happen? Maybe you had a parent who was physically present but emotionally unavailable. Maybe you were from a large family and your parents practiced “herd parenting.” Maybe you learned as a child that showing emotions led to rejection or criticism. Or maybe as a child or as an adult your relationships felt like a constant battle to prove your worth.
At the time, these moments may not have seemed like trauma. After all, no one hurt you. But your nervous system doesn’t define trauma by whether something was dramatic—it defines trauma by whether you felt safe or unsafe. And, your nervous system always remembers. It pays particular attention to who and where it feels safe with.
The human nervous system’s primary job is to keep you safe. I like the metaphor I heard that it is like a watchdog. Long before you consciously recognize danger, your body is already scanning your environment and making adjustments. This process, called neuroception, was coined by Dr. Stephen Porges, the creator of Polyvagal Theory, to describe the subconscious way our nervous system detects safety or threat. Polyvagal Theory was developed in the 1990’s, so I never learned about it in nursing school, nor did my husband learn about it in medical school. I don’t know if they even teach it now! So, here is a brief overview that has helped me make sense of my behaviors.
When connection is strong, our nervous system feels safe, and we thrive. But when connection is repeatedly disrupted, even in subtle ways, our nervous system adapts—not by forgetting but by developing protective responses that can shape the way we interact with the world for years to come.
The Three Survival States of the Nervous System
According to Polyvagal Theory, when we experience chronic disconnection or relational instability, our nervous system can shift into one of three primary states:
1. Fight or Flight: The Overachiever’s Survival Mode
When connection feels uncertain or threatened, the nervous system may shift into a sympathetic state, distress or better known as fight-or-flight mode. In this state, we don’t feel at ease—we feel restless, anxious, or driven to do more. I relate well to this state, I spent most of my life living here. You might recognize this response if you:
Work harder and harder to gain approval or recognition
Feel a sense of urgency like you’re always behind
Become defensive or irritable in relationships
Have trouble relaxing, even when things are going well
This is your nervous system trying to fix disconnection by making you work for connection—whether through people-pleasing, overachieving, or constantly seeking reassurance.
2. Shutdown: When Numbness Feels Safer Than Hope
If repeated efforts to connect fail, some people go into this state where the nervous system may conclude that giving up is the safest option. This is called dorsal vagal shutdown, and it happens when the body decides that conserving energy is better than continuing to fight for connection.
You might recognize this response if you:
Feel numb or detached in relationships
Struggle with motivation and energy
Avoid relationships or isolate yourself
Experience brain fog or exhaustion, even when well-rested
Deb Dana, a leading voice in Polyvagal Theory, describes this as the nervous system’s way of disappearing—a survival mechanism that prevents further disappointment or rejection by disconnecting before it can even happen.
3. The Safe and Connected State: Ventral Vagal Regulation
This is the state that is optimal to spend the majority of our day in. But remember that our nervous system does help us in the other two states, just not when we “live” there permanently. In the ventral vagal state, we can process information, make logical decisions using our values. If this state seems like a foreign country, please remember that just as the nervous system learns to protect itself, it can also learn safety again. While in the ventral vagal state we feel calm, connection, and trust. In this state, you feel at ease in relationships, confident in your ability to handle challenges, and present in your own life.
In short, in this state, you:
✔️ Feel secure in relationships without needing constant reassurance
✔️ Trust that others will show up for you
✔️ Can express emotions without fear of rejection
✔️ Experience peace and presence, rather than chronic stress
This is the state we all long for—the state where we feel safe enough to be ourselves without fear of abandonment or rejection. Authenticity lives here!
So, where do you start to tell your nervous system that it is safe?
1- Notice Your Patterns – Do you tend to overwork for validation? Do you shut down when emotions get overwhelming? Simply recognizing these responses is the first step.
2- Practice Self-Compassion – Your nervous system isn’t broken, you are not flawed, your behavior isn’t a personal weakness. Your nervous system is just trying to protect you. Instead of judging your reactions that were not what you wanted them to be, try approaching them with curiosity. Talk to yourself like a good friend would talk to you. Be gentle with yourself and remind yourself that mistakes happen and it does not change your value as a human.
3- Find Safe Connections – Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. Whether it’s a friend, therapist, or coach, having someone who feels safe to your nervous system is key. Work hard to find at least a few people who are emotionally regulated and spend time with them. Humans thrive in co-regulation and they will rub off on you.
4- Engage in Soothing Practices – Gentle movement, deep breathing, and mindfulness can all signal to your nervous system that it’s okay to relax.
You don’t have to live in fight, flight, or shutdown forever. Healing starts with recognizing that your nervous system has been doing its best to protect you—and now, it’s time to teach it that safety, connection, and ease are possible. I have done this. I help my clients do this too. The world is a wonderful place to live when your nervous system feels safe.
